Today we're cleansing our palates of the horrors found on the interwebs and kicking it all clean like. So gather the kids around and come with me into My Beloved's Garden.
This venerable website, brought to my attention by The Onion, exists to "provide a safe, non-pornographic place to shop for your Christian sex toys and romance needs while keeping Jesus at the center of your marriage." (Who know he was available for three-ways? Huh.) Let's have a look around.
Right away, we are greeted by a warning:
ALL OUR PACKAGES ARE DELIVERED IN PLAIN BROWN BOXES, WITH NO PICTURES OR WRITING ON THEM. HOWEVER, THE PRODUCT ITSELF IS IN ITS ORGINAL "FROM THE MANUFACTURER" PACKAGING AND MAY HAVE OFFENSIVE PICTURES ON IT. WE RECCOMEND OPENING YOUR SHIPPED BOX TOGETHER WITH YOUR SPOUSE, MAKING SURE YOUR PRODUCT IS IN GOOD WORKING ORDER, AND THEN DISPOSE SAFELY OF THE PACKAGING.
(each order comes with a free Christian biohazard container in which to "safely dispose" of the packaging)Now that I feel safe that I will not become aroused by this sex site, most of this stuff looks pretty tame. Actually, most of this stuff looks like it came straight from Priscilla's. I'm pretty disappointed that there aren't, you know, non-penis shaped dildos a la Japan to keep the lustful urges under wraps. Or, like, some reverse lubricant or something. In fact, these naughty Nazarenes are downright kinky!
Exhibit A: Anal Stimulation (notice blurred out picture of woman's naked back on box containing rubber butt plug).
I have to admit a little disappointment here. I've lived an incredibly tame life, especially sexually. Even as an atheist. So I was kind of hoping that, despite passing up on slutting around in college like a normal girl in order to have, you know, standards (dude, it was Tahlequah), that maybe I'd still be able to give my ultra conservative upbringing the ole Maryland 11 by giving buttfucking a shot at some point. But no. Apparently god approves of buttfucking. Which really begs the question, if buttfucking is cool, why does god hate fags? I mean, isn't the buttfucking the only important difference? Maybe it isn't the buttfucking and god actually hates Virginia Slims or popped collars.
Actually, where things get really interesting is lingerie. Remember our promise to have no pornographic pictures? Apparently "porn" is equal to "belly button".
Pressing on, we come to the Q&A section, where we learn that being a nudist is wrong because SCIENCE! has proven that "certain parts of the body are inherently sexual. Not because of our culture, but because of the biology God gave us." This is because of pheremones: "they are what causes women who live together to 'cycle' together, and they cause a man to have a slight rise and fall in his sex drive that follows his wife's cycle. There are certain parts of the body that emit a lot of these sexual pheromones. The underarms, the genitals and the aureolas of men and women, and the navel of women are the "biggies." When these parts of the body are covered with clothes, most of the pheromones are captured by the clothes; when we are naked the quantity of pheromones reaching others rises significantly. So, being nude means you are sending a lot stronger sexual signals to those you are with." Aha! So that explains the covering of those sinfully belly buttons on the lingerie page! Thank you, MBG, for putting a Photoshop barrier between me and the scents emanating from those sinful graphic representations of women. (Note: I don't feel like looking it up to link to it, but there are pictures in the lingerie section where arm pits are blurred as well. I'm just saying.)
Ok, I can't think of a clever set-up for the part about role-playing that even comes close to doing it justice, so I'm just throwing it out there:
"Role Playing and Fantasy
This is another area which is difficult because it covers a very wide array of things. There is certainly a difference between fantasizing you and your spouse are making love on the beach of a deserted island, and pretending to be having an adulterous affair.
Since God cares about our thoughts, not just our actions, there must be a line in this that we should not cross, but where is that line? A safe way to approach this is to say it's wrong to fantasize or act out anything it would be wrong to actually do. This means you must always play yourselves, not a real movie star or someone you know. It also means you must be married in the fantasy.
However, we do not think this means you must limit yourself to things you might actually be able to do. If you want to pretend it's several hundred years ago and you are a ship captain and a damsel saved from pirates, go for it (you got married at the nearest port). Or maybe you are husband and wife on a spaceship, exploring the bounds of the universe and the bounds of weightless sex."
Hey, lover, you know what would be awesomely hot? PLANNING OUR WEDDING OVER AND OVER AND OVER EVERY TIME WE WANT TO FUCK! Oh man! I'm getting all horny just thinking about spending hours on the internet trying to find a caterer that won't gouge us! Oooh, I know--we'll pretend you're my senile great-uncle and you can tell me I'm fat the day of my shower and make me cry for the entire morning! You wait here for six hours while I go slip into something incredibly uncomfortable and call up my sister so she can hold my hair back as I nervously barf into a trash can because I'm afraid my crazy aunt is going to fake a heart attack for attention...see you later tiger. Which I mean in a strictly metaphoric sense because bestiality is wrong. Unless you are married to the tiger. (Did I ever tell you guys about how my first crush was on the fox Robin Hood from the Disney cartoon? No? There was probably a reason for that.)
We find out later that adult nursing is a-ok, though. We also get this little gem in the discussion of dirty talk: "If some group starts using the word 'baptize' to refer to an orgy in a pool, must we abandon that word because someone has given it a meaning we do not agree with or approve of?" Hey, you know what I'm going to start doing RIGHT NOW?
Ok, I've been pissing on this site, but I do have to take a little breather to give it some mad props--it teaches women to ejaculate!
Well played, creepy web page. Well played.
As a final thought, I leave you with this: Who would Jesus ball-gag?
*It's too easy, really.
3 comments:
Holy crap! Where to start?
Actually, I think the best part is the "customer comments" section. The majority of the comments are of the "it's great to be able to shop for my husband without feeling like a pervert" caliber, but every once in a while you find an absolute gem:
Hi guys,
I am a minister in Sacramento, California and found your site about a year ago (my comment about appreciating your site in the midst of smutty sites is still on your customer comments...). Like many people though, I am not sure what to buy and have been disappointed by a couple different products I have purchased. I was thinking about your site last night and I have an idea. What if, as you see the need, you had a few folks test new or other products for you, then write up a review that other people could see on the site? I have seen this on other sites and it caused me to buy at least one product. I happen to do a lot of writing in my ministry, have a creative (yet appropriate) vocabulary and would have a ball doing it obviously. I would also use psydonames and if recruited any of my friends (if you wantyed other opinions, I would want them to do the same so we would not "know each other's business" so to speak). If you have doubts about the idea, we could try a couple products and you can determine to see if it is helpful. Let me know what you think.
God's best.
So...do you believe that this guy is simply fulfilling his obligation to a life of cheerful service? Of course, it's really just sad if you think too hard on it...I mean, here's a guy who gets off on female masturbation fantasies (who doesn't? gay or straight??), but to do so he must simultaneously mask his desire and pacify his guilt--all while trying to pass off this lame-o "I want to help" line to the site's administrators. Poor guy, if only the Jesus would allow him to click here.
i'm sorry, i cannot comment in depth because i have fallen out of my chair, and am nearing death-by-laughter on the floor.
i do have to say, though, that i am extremely disturbed by a webpage that is subtitled 'female ejaculation' with two cute little jesus fishes underneath. and, what's the paul part about? was he the apostle/patron saint of ejaculating females?
p.s.
after reading this post, i really must encourage you to make your blog public. the world needs this information. seriously.
omg omg omg
i had a crush on the fox, too! that was why that was my favorite disney movie as a kid! not kidding. so excited to find a sister in juvenile unintentional furrydom.
also: funny shit!
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